I’m not superstitious

November was not the best month ever at work. We had to…work. We did not get paid to sleep. It was slightly better than awful.

After two shifts is a row of no sleep, Rob (AKA not Awesome Kelly) was standing in front of his coffee maker and said “These coffee grounds have been here through two shifts. I haven’t gotten to make coffee all week.”

“You should probably change those grounds out” I replied. “They are clearly jinxed.”

He chuckled, but did not change them out.

Guess who didn’t get to make coffee for a third shift in a row?

The very next shift he ceremoniously pulled the ground-filled filter out of the coffee maker and dumped it in the trash.

We got paid to sleep that night.

I’m not superstitious.

Just a little stitious.

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The music of my life

I am constantly frustrated by the fact that I do not have the ability to express myself in song. If I could have a superpower, putting my emotions into song would be it. I’m a little bit jealous of those who do have this gift.

Because I do not have the ability to write my own songs, I rely upon other to help me express some of my deeper emotions. For the fun of it, I thought I’d share some of the songs that have become the soundtrack of my life.

I apologize ahead of time for the music videos, but I couldn’t figure any other way to share these songs. 

It’s true-after all I’ve seen, there’s hope in front of me. I’ve seen a lot. Much of it has been the opposite of happy. But there’s still hope in front of me.

Sometimes, a broken hallelujah is all I’ve got. Honestly, I think that’s all He wants.

When I’ve seen bad stuff, I run into God’s arms. He kneels down and pulls me in, just like an earthly dad does. “Lord I run into Your arms, unashamed because of mercy.” I should be ashamed. But I’m not. Because of His mercy. It is overwhelming.

I hear a voice and it calls me Redeemed… You are holy, righteous, and redeemed… There’ll be days I lose the battle, but grace says that it doesn’t matter, because the cross already won the war. I’m learning to run freely, understanding just how He sees me.

I cry. Every. Single. Time. 

 

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Giving Permission

Two weeks ago I added a second class to my workload. This may seem insignificant to those of you who have been to “real college,” but doubling my study time has pretty much taken every last minute of my life. Surviving has made me realize that I had to give myself permission to do some things differently.

- I’ve given myself permission to not get 100% on everything. It is okay to get a 93%. However, the 85 that came out of nowhere last week was not excusable. I think I may be encountering my first ever tough grader. 

- I’ve given myself permission to cut my workouts in half. I no longer do cardio then weights. I have cardio day and weight day.

- I’ve given myself permission to eat out. Despite menu planning, by the time I’m done with my assignments for the day; I do not have the brain cells to cook. Which is sad, because cooking is cathartic. But not right now.

- I’ve given myself permission to drink soda. Coke is back in my house. 24 hour shifts are not exceedingly conducive to coherent thought the “day after.” I don’t have time for wasted days anymore. Soda often gets me through the day’s work.

- I’ve given myself permission to neglect this blog. Which I hate. Because I’m learning cool stuff that I want to share. But I just don’t have time. Technically, I’m supposed to be at the grocery store right now.

- I’ve given myself permission to enjoy what I’m learning. Yes, the work is unfun. But I’m learning cool stuff that I would not have pursued was not in school. I’m taking advantage of this time.

I have two and a half weeks left in this session. Then I’m going to give myself permission to RELAX!

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Refocusing

I’m currently sitting in an ambulance trying to figure out how I’m going to write a three to five page paper on 90 minutes of sleep. I could blame my job for the lack of sleep…but it’s not the fault of my job. It’s the fault of a certain person that I am currently trying not to despise with every fiber of my being. So, I’m going to do a little refocusing on some happy things. Maybe by the end of this exercise, most of the fibers of my being will be relaxed and a little happier.

So, little happy things:

- I saw the coolest leg wound last night. These are things that make me happy. It’s okay if they make you nauseous.

- A dad was bullying his son in my ambulance, I let him have it. In a professional manner of course.

- Someone brought peppermint bark to the ER. Enough said.

- I got an A on my first assignment in Criminal Investigation class. Pretty impressive since I had no clue what I was doing.

- Said A was accompanied by a note informing me that I had not formatted the paper correctly, and instructions to do better next time. No points were taken from my grade.

- Doing six math problems a day has not yet killed me. In fact, in those six problems are usually one or two that I can do on my own.

- One of yesterday’s problems was about “Bill”. I sent a screen capture of it to my dad. He promptly called and said “Bill is an idiot.”

- It has been freezing here for the last three days. I’ve gotten to wear cozy sweats. Cold weather and cozy sweats are happy, in moderation.

- Christmas music.

- Listened to a book called “Brilliance” on my commute over the last two weeks. The narrator was truly gifted. As is the author.

- I found a heart attack yesterday that presented without any form of chest pain. I called the STEMI-alert based on my gut. The Doc agreed with me.

It is almost time to go home so I’ll stop here. Life really isn’t as bad as it can feel when I’m sleep deprived and overwhelmed. I think I’ll listen to Christmas music while I run in the crisp air this morning. Maybe that will get happy endorphins and creative juices flowing.

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I just wanted to be WARM

Monday night two things collided in my world. First, I was Assistant Supervisor. Which means that instead of ambulances doing zone coverage, I did zone coverage. The crews get more sleep, and I…don’t. It’s all cool though because it is fun. Second, the temperature plummeted. And I do mean plummeted.

The Assistant Supervisor is stationed at a volunteer fire department station that is usually empty. Over the summer I found it to be stuffy. So I wasn’t very concerned as the temperature dropped. I was wearing a long sleeved shirt and had my snuggie. I would be fine.

I was not fine.

When I pulled into the station at one am, I discovered that it was not empty. It was actually housing at least one, if not two firefighters. And, it was cold. Not just cold. Frigid.

My usual bedding for these shifts is a thin hospital blanket placed on top of the mattress, a small pillow, and my snuggie. Within seconds I was miserable. The snuggie wasn’t getting the job done.

I curled up and pulled the snuggie over my head. Thus preserving any heat escaping from my body, and forming an air lock for the warm air I was exhaling. I got just warm enough to be aware that I was sleeping. But not warm enough to actually be warm.

After two hours of this I was awakened to drive around the county for a bit. I highly doubt that Expedition has ever had the heat up that high for that long. I turned that thing into a warm, cozy cave.

But, all good things must come to an end. I was released back to the frozen tundra in which I was supposed to sleep. I did not want to leave my truck.

I confess, I changed the thermostat when I got back to the station. I turned on the heat and set it to 70. The AC had been on at 68. 68 is unacceptable when outside is in the forties. 

After quietly fixing the thermostat, I fell back into bed. Only this time I didn’t immediately curl up with my snuggie over my head. No. I lay down, pulled my snuggie over me, then wrapped first one side, then the other of my base blanket around myself. I looked like a sad mummy.

Also, I couldn’t move.

But I was almost warm. And that’s all I wanted.

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It’s all my fault

I will be doing six math problems every day for the next twenty days. No days off. None. Mixed in there will be four tests. In the end will be an exam proctored via webcam.

These are not simple problems. They are complex. Some of them take over an hour for me to figure out. Thus far I’ve found the tutoring…not 100% helpful.

I’m gonna die.

But it’s my own fault. I read “self paced” and thought it meant “self paced”. So I signed up. Expecting to do the math as I had time between life, work, and other school assignments.

I did not read the fine print.

The fine print clearly discusses a time limit on the class. Oops.

My headstone shall say “Death by math, but it was her own fault.”

P.S. That entire last sentence was not supposed to be in italics. I’m writing this on my phone, in bed. I have no idea why the italics won’t turn off.

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I have no self control. None

Several weeks ago a Facebook friend posted a picture of their new planning system. My school supply radar went up and I lost complete focus of anything else in my life. The part of me that missed the Franklin Covey day planner that got me through college in the 90’s (um, how can I miss something that sits completely unused in a cabinet?) went into hyperdrive. I hit up Google and found this:

I sent the link to my mom in an email that said “I *need* this.” Her response was “Yes, you must have it.” Suddenly I was ten years old and back under that umbrella. I didn’t have a choice. I had to obey.

Sometimes obedience is so hard.

I placed my order and waited with bated (baited?) breath. I also went to all the craft stores and bought ALL the washi tape and stickers. To do this right, I had to have all the things! This caused a serious case of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.”

After way too long (turns out FedEx meant “bicycle courier”), my package finally arrived.

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I may have squealed.

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Of course I instantly sat down with all my things and set my calendar in order. I marked paydays and workdays. I wrote out all my school assignments. This week I even managed to plan a menu!

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Believe it or not, I do feel a bit more in control of my life now. Writing out my school assignments really has helped me prioritize. Being able to see my work schedule blocked out (blue washi) is very helpful. Shopping lists, to-do lists, and the menu go across the bottom.

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Sigh. This just makes me happy. 

Oh yes, I am at Disney today – that’s what that red washi means.

 

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